Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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