oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
