I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
