I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
