i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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