do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
