is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
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I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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