So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
