Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
