Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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