so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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