I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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