You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
