my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
