i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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