On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
