I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
