I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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