I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
