I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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