i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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