she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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