I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
