There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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