its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
