I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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