I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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