today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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