Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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