I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
