Kiss
Puke
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
