All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
