Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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