Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
