Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
