Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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