My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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