cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
only you would photoshop your dick
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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