god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
