I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
