I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm like, not good at living.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize