Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
