you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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