I think I won the penis lottery.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
