happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
