I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
