we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
