I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
