I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
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I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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