I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
