I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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