When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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