I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
