My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
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Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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