My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
whose parrot is this?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
