My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
