I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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