dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
