i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I AM VODKA MAN
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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