dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Holy sore nipples Batman
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
