flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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